Dating

This October during family pictures Diane asked the photographer to take some solo pictures of me. What the junk!? Do we really need an 8x10 of me anywhere? Cracker please! Diane told me that we were taking these pictures so I would have some recent and professional pics for my online dating profile... So just like that, I'm back online!

Choosing a site is never easy. I have tried LDS Planet, eHarmony, match, LDS singles, and played on a few others and had no success... So this round I decided to let someone else make this decision for me. Who better than my coworker Rosann? I spend more time with her than just about anyone! Plus she told me that she could choose a site for me that would bring me more dates and experience than any other. So of coarse I let her!

Rosi chose LDS mingle. My little Rose chose an LDS site!? I LOVE IT! I would have never guessed... October 31st it became official. I am actively looking for fun, dating, experience, friends and maybe even Mr. Right! So I've had a few fun experiences and met some interesting people so far so I thought I'd share...

(to protect the identity of these FINE, FINE gentlemen... they're names have been changed)

ALBY

We'll start with my "albino midget" who I will affectionately call Alby. One night I'm sitting online shopping for a potential mate when an IM window pops up. The picture next to Alby's name should have been enough of a warning, but I am a glutton for punishment. He starts out with this line... "so u like star trek"... What the junk!? This conversation can only go down hill if it starts in a galaxy far far away! So I try to eliminate the crazy right off the bat and I ask him if he speaks Klingon fluently and if he's been to convention. As he is contemplating if his Klingon would be a help or hindrance in our fake relationship, I take some time to study his profile a bit. At this point the kid has said nothing appealing nor is his picture appealing but I need to find some common ground if I'm going to talk with him. Alby is 24 (gross), 5'8" (disgusting), and it looks like he has creature teeth. You know the teeth. Small, square, and evenly spaced. It looks like he could inflict a wound with one little bite. Sick. During my investigation of Alby he continues chatting with me. Surprisingly he is funny and smart. I find myself enjoying the conversation despite my better judgement. We chat for almost an hour and the time just flew by. So we fall into a little routine of chatting every night as I shop for a date. I've told Alby that he is too short and too young for me but I do like talking to him. He seemed to be okay with this for a while. One night he was telling me how pretty I was (this does NOT win any points with me. If we haven't met don't say things you know nothing about. It makes you look stupid.) and I knew I had to get off line quick or he was going to ask for my number. I knew I shouldn't have talked with him! He was getting the wrong idea. I told him I had to go. Bye. He types "wait! can I get your number?" S***! Now what? I sit for a few moments thinking of how to let him down easy. "Alby I like you but I don't want to date you." He writes back "I didn't ask you on a date." S*** again! Feeling SO lame for assuming he was thinking more, I give him my number and get off line. And so began the relationship with my midget albino... Text messages every day and chatting whenever I'm online. I can't get away from this super nice-funny-creature toothed-small man. But as long as we're just talking I'm safe, right? Wrong. So wrong! Over the coarse of a few weeks he convinces me that we should watch a movie together. We settle on a Monday night. I am reluctant but I feel like I owe him something, somehow. Come to find out he lives by my brother Grant. I tell Alby I have to cut the night short because of an appointment at 6:30. I text Grant the address and tell him that if I'm not at his house by 6:30 to send the cops to Alby's address to come collect my corpse. I arrive at the address at 4 pm as planned. I pull up and Alby is sitting out on his porch waiting for me. He is worse than I had imagined. He is a giant midget greasy albino. This is going to be a long few hours... He walks out to greet me shoeless. I'm pretty sure midgets are supposed to wear shoes. He lives on the third floor. As we walk up the wet stairs (his socks are getting soaked and nasty) he tells me how pretty I look and smell. All I can think about are his teeth, wet socks, greasy hair, his lack of height, and lack of pigment. We get to his apartment and nobody is home. What am I doing here? Is it okay to leave before we even begin? He shows me to his bedroom. A twin bed is pushed up against the back wall. Pushed up against that is a couch and then his TV. "This is where we'll watch the movie. I tried to make it look homey." Homey!? A nice vacuum job could have helped! Or maybe it being a "home" and not a bedroom! The bed wasn't even made. Was that the "homey-ness" he spoke of? Whatever, let's watch the move so I can get to Grants house asap! I sit down and plant my foot in front of the door so it will remain open. Alby brings in water and sour cream and cheddar chips. I think this particular chip has been ruined for me now. Alby took the time to lick the flavoring off of each chip before consumption. I'm pretty sure this is illegal after age 4. Plus chips don't crunch after they have been licked to death. I wanted to barf. To make matters worse his feet didn't touch the floor while sitting on the couch! Who's feet don't touch!? This only accentuates my legs. I now look like an amazon woman. The couch, that makes it so his feet don't touch the floor, hits me mid thigh. I want to go home. Or get hit by a truck. Or contract leprosy. He explains the movie to me about every 15 minutes or so. Apparently I smell and look good, but I am wearing a "stupid sign" so the simple plot must be explained. Twenty minutes before the movie ends he asks me how I liked it. "Is it over?" "Not yet." "Then I can't answer that, can I?" What the... As soon as the credits began to roll I stood up and thanked him as I headed for the door. "Are you sure you've got to go? You'll miss out on Olive Garden..." Wait a minute. I just witnessed him molest a whole bag of chips to the point they couldn't even be identified! There's NO WAY I'm going to Olive Garden with him! What would he do to regular food!? Plus would we have to get a booster seat for him? "Dang it! I really can't get out of this appointment..." BYE! He insists on walking me to my car (I had to park 2 blocks away). As we're walking he tells me that the next time I can bring my clippers and cut his hair. I do not want to touch his nasty mop. I hear myself say "I'm not a traveling hair service." It came out of my mouth before I could sugar coat my disgust! Nothing has discouraged this boy! I get multiple text messages every day and I can't even log on mingle without him chatting me up! Ugh. He has asked me out multiple times since. I have reminded him that I don't want to date him. This is not enough. I made a rule going into this that everyone deserved two dates. I don't want to do the second for this one! My girlfriends are telling me I have to go! It's my rule. Dear Giant Greasy Midget Albino. I liked it better when we just chatted and you were funny. I don't like what I met. You made me feel weird and gross. Will I go out with you again? I guess we'll see...