Back in the saddle again! YIPPEE! No real action yet, but there have been some hillarious profiles! What are these men thinking? I thought I'd share just a few and add to it as I find more! If you think one sounds like a real winner... let me know and I'll see what I can do!
"Interested in home movies. Looking for someone that likes weekend home parties."
"i want an honest and sincere women that knows what she wants and someone that know the grass isnt greener in someone elses pasture."
"Hey I am who I am."
"CONGRATULATIONS! You Have Reached The Profile Of The Sexiest Man Alive!!! I Always Work For The Best! Unpredictable, Wild, Untamed & A Big Risk Taker! Your In My World Now! I Adore Chattin With Girls Bout Love & Life & I Have A Soft Spot For Girls That Are Not Only Drop Dead Gorgeous But Have Intelligence To At Least Have Fun & Carry A Conversation! I Need To Check Out If Your Mind Checks Out With You Looks! You Should Definetly Msg Me If You Feel You Can Handle Me!!!"
"I feel like there are a lot worse guys you could be interested in."
"Disclaimer: Repeated contact with the subject of this profile may result in - frustration, disgust, headaches, nausea, indigestion, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, hurricanes, tsunamis, local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, cosmic radiation, amoebic dysentery, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, decreased resale value on your home, infuriated chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical devices, peasant uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, and/or frogs falling from the sky. :)"
"Who am I? Thats a great question."
"So if you're smart and beautiful and looking for a laid back guy that enjoys intelligent conversation, good food, and wit (who doesn't like wit?) don't tell me if you find him because that is totally going to bum me out."
"I am a loyal easy going guy who has kept himself pretty clean"
"if thers one thing i love the most its good freands
id say i love hunting and fishing but the truth is not so much.i love camping i go 4 to 5 times a year.one thing i love is hunting down valuable books for resail.i used to do ebay but books are more fun. i love my job most of the week anyway.
honestly id love to meet someone that loves to talk
that is honest flirty .maby even a freand
but id settle for rich"
"interested in beauty and attentiveness."
"I like almost anything with a motor. been single awhile now"
"I AM 22 YEARS OLD OF AGE AND I LIKE COMMUNICATING WITH OTHER WOMAN.. "
"i love life about 50 percent of the time.im looking for a loving honest fun to be around girl that isnt a complet spoiled brat hows that for honesty lol .hay if your smoking hot ill take that to"
"dont know why im on a dating site guess here to get to know some great people to hang out with maybe date if i find the right one. want to know anything anout me just have to ask.if you dont youll miss out on getting to know a great guy."
"details for conversations.... I like to trick or treat... ride scooters.... dress like a baby on weekends... watch cartoons on satruday mornings... eat P & J's in my PJ's. I don't like to write things about myself."
"My head turns when I see a pretty face, or other pretty anatomical feature. (note: the brain is a part of ones anatomy. Personality is stored in the brain. My what a nice personality you have. ....zombie drool ) Squirrel.... Excuse me, where was I?"
"I try several things at least once, which is why I have eaten such a diversity of food and why I have so many hobbies. I have done several things, I want to do many things, but there are some things that I won't do"
"I hate to laugh, I can't stand having a good time and intimacy makes me itchy. I hope to live a lonely life and die alone... in the rain."
"I want someone that Loves me for you"
Friday, August 5, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Updates
Hmmm... Where to start? Well, my 6 month membership with LDS mingle is over so I thought I would wrap up a few loose ends before taking on a new adventure! Here we go!
Alby- The last I heard from Alby was a text stating that he was kind of seeing someone. I didn't react the way he wanted. I think he was looking for me to say "Dang it! Lost my chance... Can we try again?" but what he got was, "Seriously!? That's totally AWESOME! What's her name? How'd you meet? Have you kissed? Is she the one? Don't let her go! Good ones are hard to find... Keep me posted! I'm so extremely happy for you Alby I can't stand it!" That was the last we talked...
Tall Daddy- Nothing. But he was hot!
Nose Hair- The poor guy and his antenna nose hair wouldn't give up! I finally had to tell him I was kind of dating someone. Never heard from him again.
Onion Boy- Man, this one is stinky. Literally and figuratively. So he missed his haircut. Big freaking surprise. This is even after I had sent a reminder text 2 hours before his appointment. He sent a text about an hour after his assigned time saying that he would pay me for my time because "that's just the kind of guy he was." No. The kind of guy you are is one who thinks it's okay to repeatedly miss your appointments. He called me on my birthday to tell me how wonderful I was and that he had a gift for me. A gift, hmm... Did he shower and use mouth wash? Did he realize pj's weren't really appropriate clothing? Did he get rid of his cat? I can think of a thousand things I would consider a gift from him, but what does he consider a gift? He came in for his haircut empty handed... I don't really want a gift from him but since he said he had one... It had been a long day and Onion was my last appointment. I was excited to get him done and go home. He asked if I had anymore appointments that night and I enthusiastically said NO (which was followed by my facial expression that said, "Holy crap, what have I done?")! Great I'm taking you to dinner! Pppphhhhhhht... I hate myself. Luckily, (with a look that said you're coming or I kill you) I casually invited my coworker to join us. She accepted! He said he needed to stop by the ATM to get money for his haircut on the way to dinner and asked if I wanted to "join him in his ride?" Last I checked he was white, but I checked again anyway because most white men have cars... not rides. Still white. Dang it! I declined his invitation to join him in his ride and said that Alyse and I would just meet him at Nielsen's. I figured it was safer to go with Alyse. She doesn't suffer with racial identity issues. So we get to Nielsen's and he gives me the payment for his cut. I order. I pay. I go sit with Alyse. He orders. He has no money. He turns my direction and asks if he can " have his money back?" So here was my present: Me giving him a free cut and paying for his dinner. He is so classy...
Chef- So I guess quite a bit has happened with my chef. I met his family - ALL of them. We kissed. He got a dog. He was really hard to predict. Hot then cold. I didn't know what he wanted or if I factored in. We went out this past weekend and I called him out on all his crap. I allow for wiggle room, but I will not be jerked around. I asked him why he does the things that he does and if he was happy with the results he was getting. He went on to tell me that he was "extremely interested in me but that I intimidated the hell out of him." He explained that I had a great business that I was successful at running, my head was on my shoulders, religious, smart, pretty... What did he have to offer me? I didn't need him! As I sat listening to him rant I thought... he was right. What did he have to offer? If he didn't believe in himself there was no way I could believe in him. He will always be welcome in my life as a friend, but if he can't man up there is no way we could be anything more...
Alby- The last I heard from Alby was a text stating that he was kind of seeing someone. I didn't react the way he wanted. I think he was looking for me to say "Dang it! Lost my chance... Can we try again?" but what he got was, "Seriously!? That's totally AWESOME! What's her name? How'd you meet? Have you kissed? Is she the one? Don't let her go! Good ones are hard to find... Keep me posted! I'm so extremely happy for you Alby I can't stand it!" That was the last we talked...
Tall Daddy- Nothing. But he was hot!
Nose Hair- The poor guy and his antenna nose hair wouldn't give up! I finally had to tell him I was kind of dating someone. Never heard from him again.
Onion Boy- Man, this one is stinky. Literally and figuratively. So he missed his haircut. Big freaking surprise. This is even after I had sent a reminder text 2 hours before his appointment. He sent a text about an hour after his assigned time saying that he would pay me for my time because "that's just the kind of guy he was." No. The kind of guy you are is one who thinks it's okay to repeatedly miss your appointments. He called me on my birthday to tell me how wonderful I was and that he had a gift for me. A gift, hmm... Did he shower and use mouth wash? Did he realize pj's weren't really appropriate clothing? Did he get rid of his cat? I can think of a thousand things I would consider a gift from him, but what does he consider a gift? He came in for his haircut empty handed... I don't really want a gift from him but since he said he had one... It had been a long day and Onion was my last appointment. I was excited to get him done and go home. He asked if I had anymore appointments that night and I enthusiastically said NO (which was followed by my facial expression that said, "Holy crap, what have I done?")! Great I'm taking you to dinner! Pppphhhhhhht... I hate myself. Luckily, (with a look that said you're coming or I kill you) I casually invited my coworker to join us. She accepted! He said he needed to stop by the ATM to get money for his haircut on the way to dinner and asked if I wanted to "join him in his ride?" Last I checked he was white, but I checked again anyway because most white men have cars... not rides. Still white. Dang it! I declined his invitation to join him in his ride and said that Alyse and I would just meet him at Nielsen's. I figured it was safer to go with Alyse. She doesn't suffer with racial identity issues. So we get to Nielsen's and he gives me the payment for his cut. I order. I pay. I go sit with Alyse. He orders. He has no money. He turns my direction and asks if he can " have his money back?" So here was my present: Me giving him a free cut and paying for his dinner. He is so classy...
Chef- So I guess quite a bit has happened with my chef. I met his family - ALL of them. We kissed. He got a dog. He was really hard to predict. Hot then cold. I didn't know what he wanted or if I factored in. We went out this past weekend and I called him out on all his crap. I allow for wiggle room, but I will not be jerked around. I asked him why he does the things that he does and if he was happy with the results he was getting. He went on to tell me that he was "extremely interested in me but that I intimidated the hell out of him." He explained that I had a great business that I was successful at running, my head was on my shoulders, religious, smart, pretty... What did he have to offer me? I didn't need him! As I sat listening to him rant I thought... he was right. What did he have to offer? If he didn't believe in himself there was no way I could believe in him. He will always be welcome in my life as a friend, but if he can't man up there is no way we could be anything more...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Onion II
So this is where things got fun. He called me one Sunday night and let me know that we were going to hang out the following week. He asked what I was doing each night. Hmmm... Okay? Monday - nothing. Tuesday - work. Wednesday - I'm going to a play. You could come with me to that? He replies, "I'd rather die." What? This is a guy who likes to star in theater productions. He'd rather die? Whatever. Thursday - work. Friday - MacCools! Sat... *Interruption* "I'll go with you to that." What? "I'll go with you to MacCools." You will? You weren't really invited... "It's already written down and I'll be there! See you Friday!" How do I get myself into these situations!? MacCools is a St. Patrick's Day tradition with some of my friends each year and I've never taken someone with me nor had I planned on it this year. I hoped if I didn't talk to him all week he'd forget. I wasn't that lucky. He asked me to pick him up on my way that Friday night. I text him as I left my house so he'd be ready. We were meeting at the restaurant at 7:30pm. There were 15 of us meeting there and they don't like to seat you till the whole party is there so it is important to be on time. I arrived at his house at 7:10. Knocked - no answer. Again... louder - nothing. I call, I knock, I call, I knock. Ten minutes pass and now I am furious and I'm going to be late! I leave him a message letting him know that I have come and now left so I won't be late. He is welcome to meet up with us later if he would like. I drive away so frustrated! He wanted this, not me! Where was he? I don't care that he's not with me but I do care that now I'm late. I'm almost to the freeway and my phone rings. "Hey! Are you almost here?" Are you kidding me!? I patiently explain that I was at his house for 10 minutes, I'm now late and he can drive up on his own. "NO! Come back and get me. Come get me Elaine!" Grrrrrr! Fine. I get all the way back to his house and he is not ready. I wait for a few minutes and now my blood is literally boiling! He gets in the car all chipper and happy and this makes me want to slam on my breaks so he'll be ejected through my windshield. I now have 2 minutes to make a 15 minute trip and 13 people are waiting for me. I hate being late and at this point I hate him. I wish I could tell you that the night got better, but we've only just begun... We weren't the last ones there and luckily they seated us without everyone there. The last ones to come were Levi and Jeffrey. The only seats left were right by Onion Boy. Poor guys, they didn't know any better. I'm not sure at what point in the evening Onion clued in that he was sitting next to two gay guys, but I do know the very second I wanted to die. Onion sits up straight and smiles from ear to ear. "Hey! You guys are GAY!?!?" Kill me now. I'm not kidding. Shot gun, poison, knife... I don't care. Just do it fast. "I have gay tenants!" Would it be awkward if I crawled under the table to hide? "They are so clean! I bet you guys are clean too." Levi and Jeffrey look at each other and laugh. No, they admit, they are not clean at all. "Oh. I guess that's one of your positive stereo types." Positive stereo types? Positive stereo types!! Holy crap! A million things run through my mind and none of them are nice. Now I want to kill him, not myself. Onion gets up and goes to the bathroom. I take this precious time to apologize to these poor guys and make sure everyone knows that this is not a date. By the end of the night Onion has insulted four people that I know of. Levi and Jeffrey and Trevor's new coworker and their spouse. I'm not sure exactly what happened there, but I did catch the words, " easy, no education, not a lot of brain power, anyone can do it" while he was referring to these people's jobs. We are the first to leave because I'm afraid if we stay I will have no friends. What's worse than an onion boy announcing that he wakes up hot and sweaty in the middle of the night dreaming of you? An onion boy turning to two of your friends and saying, "Hey! You guys are GAY?" and then everything else that followed.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Onion Boy
I have fought with myself over this entry. A serious battle. It appears the evil in me has won. I apologize Onion, for taking our relationship to a friendship level and therefor making the lines hard for you to see. But your story must now be told.
I first met Onion boy about five years ago. One of my girlfriends sent him in for a haircut. It became apparent very quickly that this was not just a haircut, but a first date. I could have killed my friend. Maybe there's still time. Needless to say, we did not really hit it off on a relationship level but he did continue to come to me for haircuts. This was an interesting relationship because I (at this point) could have told you almost every detail about Onion Boy yet I am 100% convinced he couldn't have picked me out of a line up with my four brothers plus Donny Osmond. In fact he may have picked Donny because he would at least look a bit familiar... Let me put my thoughts of Onion Boy in right here. Here are the facts, take from them what you may.
Fact #1- Always late.
#2- If he's not late, he doesn't come at all (I was playing Nintendo so I missed my appointment. Can you get me in right now instead? No.).
#3- I'm convinced he eats a whole, raw onion and a gallon of Diet Coke before every cut so that he can burp up onions in my face.
#4- He thinks it's okay to wear pajamas in the middle of the day.
#5- His hair is often greasy. There is an odor that goes with this too.
#6- He has never tipped or even said a sincere thank you.
#7- He loves being in theater productions.
#8- He owns a cat.
#9- Gross.
One haircut (after I had lost a bit of weight) he saw me for the first time in his life. He was literally mid sentence filling me in on his latest love interest when he stopped and blurted out, "You look different!" Wow. Really. Thanks. "No I'm serious. You look different, and different is good." Thanks Arby's. All of the sudden what I had to say and who I was was important. He asked me to go to Lagoon, sky dive, dinner, and just hang out all in this one haircut. I guess this could have been flattering if #1-#9 didn't exist AND if he could have even seen me as a human being before this point. I'm not saying he had to be attracted to me before I lost some weight, but he really didn't even know who I was nor did he care... but now!? So it's been two years of him inviting me to this or that and me continually turning him down. This past October he came in (on time for the first time ever) and announces he doesn't really need a haircut. He just needs some "Elaine time." Well, sit on down Onion Boy! You scheduled this and you're paying for it either way. He turns to Rosie and says, "Don't you ever just need some Elaine time?" Disgusted she replies no. He continues, "You're telling me you've NEVER woke up in the middle of the night, all hot and sweaty, dreaming of Elaine!?" Rosann's jaw hit the floor (and if you know her, you know that this is almost impossible!)! "No that has never happened to me." I didn't even know where to look. What on earth did he just say!? Yep, you don't need a haircut, get out of here!
That was October. I didn't see or hear from him again till this February. He gets a cut every four weeks, so I know he's been going somewhere else. I assume he is embarrassed by his comments so he has stayed away. This was fine with me. Mid February he starts texting me just casually. Hey what's up? Anything new? How's life? Finally he gets around to asking me for a cut, but he'd like to go to lunch first. Fine, as long as he's paying. We meet for a quick lunch the day before his appointment. He takes this opportunity to tell me why he hasn't been coming to me for cuts for the last four months. I assume I know the reason, so imagine my surprise when he tells me it's because I have an "attitude problem!" Me!? Haha! Never! Apparently he asked me, in October, to take his hair shorter and I firmly said "NO!" I guess I left no room for discussion so he left and vowed to never return. He didn't feel he needed to deal with someone with that much attitude. I am DYING! I would never say no to a request like that! As far as I'm concerned whoever is in my chair is my boss. I may suggest something else, but I would never just sternly say no and send them on their way! I may joke with a friend like that, but he's not even a friend! Wow! The only thing I can figure is I heard him wrong or I wasn't even talking to him. If I heard him at all I must have thought he said "DID" you take my hair shorter? This is the only thing I can think of that I would respond with a "no" to. I spend the rest of the lunch apologizing for the misunderstanding and assuring him that I would not be that rude intentionally. He doesn't really believe me. His truth is so powerful to him he can't even hear me. At the end he tells me that he has decided to deal with my "attitude" because he can't find anyone that cuts like me. He has even tried to "train" a few girls but they couldn't be taught! Haha! So I guess we're okay by the time lunch is over because he is planning on coming to his haircut the next day. Sheesh!
So he comes to his 9:30pm appointment ten minutes late, as usual. He says, "We should date." Funny, yesterday he couldn't stand my attitude but today he wants to date it? I laugh! Laughter is not an uncommon response from me! :) I flat out say no. He doesn't stop. He asked me to dinner and on another date all before I forced him out of the salon at 10:20pm... The next day I was telling my Johnny about the experience with Onion Boy. After my rant Johnny simply said, "You got to give him credit Elaine. He told you exactly what he wanted. No games. No wondering what his intentions were. You even shot him down, and he still tried! There is something to be said for that." So maybe Onion Boy is possibly a bit like Shrek? A layered oniony ogre that just might have a big heart underneath all the goo? This idea grated at me for a few days. I decide that I can give a little more to this onion mess and see if I can find the good that might be buried underneath. I decide to write him an email describing the type of friends that I am willing to be. I outlined a few crazy scenarios in which we could hang out or ways in which we could be friendly. That's all it took! Now we are best friends in his eyes. Texting all day and a phone call every night. I don't even talk to my family and those I love this often. He called me one night around 12am. I wasn't sure if I should answer, but against my better judgement I did. He wanted to talk about the date he just went on. I let him ramble on for about an hour. At the end of the conversation he tells me that I am like his personal therapist and that he is the only one benefiting from our relationship. Really? Duh. Then, out of nowhere, he asks me to come sleepover. What? He explains that I'll sleep in his bed and he'll take the couch because he is a gentleman. WHAT!? Are you crazy? A: I'm not 12 and B: What!? He continues to tell me that he doesn't offer this to everyone so I should feel special. Boy, do I! At this point I'm looking for a shot gun. If I can just off myself this will be over... He calls a few days later and presents the same offer from a different angle. I don't know how to make him understand that there is NO circumstance in which I will get in his bed, ever. Who is this guy? Why did I agree to be his friend? How do I end this personal relationship and keep him as a client? Do I even want that? What the junk?
I first met Onion boy about five years ago. One of my girlfriends sent him in for a haircut. It became apparent very quickly that this was not just a haircut, but a first date. I could have killed my friend. Maybe there's still time. Needless to say, we did not really hit it off on a relationship level but he did continue to come to me for haircuts. This was an interesting relationship because I (at this point) could have told you almost every detail about Onion Boy yet I am 100% convinced he couldn't have picked me out of a line up with my four brothers plus Donny Osmond. In fact he may have picked Donny because he would at least look a bit familiar... Let me put my thoughts of Onion Boy in right here. Here are the facts, take from them what you may.
Fact #1- Always late.
#2- If he's not late, he doesn't come at all (I was playing Nintendo so I missed my appointment. Can you get me in right now instead? No.).
#3- I'm convinced he eats a whole, raw onion and a gallon of Diet Coke before every cut so that he can burp up onions in my face.
#4- He thinks it's okay to wear pajamas in the middle of the day.
#5- His hair is often greasy. There is an odor that goes with this too.
#6- He has never tipped or even said a sincere thank you.
#7- He loves being in theater productions.
#8- He owns a cat.
#9- Gross.
One haircut (after I had lost a bit of weight) he saw me for the first time in his life. He was literally mid sentence filling me in on his latest love interest when he stopped and blurted out, "You look different!" Wow. Really. Thanks. "No I'm serious. You look different, and different is good." Thanks Arby's. All of the sudden what I had to say and who I was was important. He asked me to go to Lagoon, sky dive, dinner, and just hang out all in this one haircut. I guess this could have been flattering if #1-#9 didn't exist AND if he could have even seen me as a human being before this point. I'm not saying he had to be attracted to me before I lost some weight, but he really didn't even know who I was nor did he care... but now!? So it's been two years of him inviting me to this or that and me continually turning him down. This past October he came in (on time for the first time ever) and announces he doesn't really need a haircut. He just needs some "Elaine time." Well, sit on down Onion Boy! You scheduled this and you're paying for it either way. He turns to Rosie and says, "Don't you ever just need some Elaine time?" Disgusted she replies no. He continues, "You're telling me you've NEVER woke up in the middle of the night, all hot and sweaty, dreaming of Elaine!?" Rosann's jaw hit the floor (and if you know her, you know that this is almost impossible!)! "No that has never happened to me." I didn't even know where to look. What on earth did he just say!? Yep, you don't need a haircut, get out of here!
That was October. I didn't see or hear from him again till this February. He gets a cut every four weeks, so I know he's been going somewhere else. I assume he is embarrassed by his comments so he has stayed away. This was fine with me. Mid February he starts texting me just casually. Hey what's up? Anything new? How's life? Finally he gets around to asking me for a cut, but he'd like to go to lunch first. Fine, as long as he's paying. We meet for a quick lunch the day before his appointment. He takes this opportunity to tell me why he hasn't been coming to me for cuts for the last four months. I assume I know the reason, so imagine my surprise when he tells me it's because I have an "attitude problem!" Me!? Haha! Never! Apparently he asked me, in October, to take his hair shorter and I firmly said "NO!" I guess I left no room for discussion so he left and vowed to never return. He didn't feel he needed to deal with someone with that much attitude. I am DYING! I would never say no to a request like that! As far as I'm concerned whoever is in my chair is my boss. I may suggest something else, but I would never just sternly say no and send them on their way! I may joke with a friend like that, but he's not even a friend! Wow! The only thing I can figure is I heard him wrong or I wasn't even talking to him. If I heard him at all I must have thought he said "DID" you take my hair shorter? This is the only thing I can think of that I would respond with a "no" to. I spend the rest of the lunch apologizing for the misunderstanding and assuring him that I would not be that rude intentionally. He doesn't really believe me. His truth is so powerful to him he can't even hear me. At the end he tells me that he has decided to deal with my "attitude" because he can't find anyone that cuts like me. He has even tried to "train" a few girls but they couldn't be taught! Haha! So I guess we're okay by the time lunch is over because he is planning on coming to his haircut the next day. Sheesh!
So he comes to his 9:30pm appointment ten minutes late, as usual. He says, "We should date." Funny, yesterday he couldn't stand my attitude but today he wants to date it? I laugh! Laughter is not an uncommon response from me! :) I flat out say no. He doesn't stop. He asked me to dinner and on another date all before I forced him out of the salon at 10:20pm... The next day I was telling my Johnny about the experience with Onion Boy. After my rant Johnny simply said, "You got to give him credit Elaine. He told you exactly what he wanted. No games. No wondering what his intentions were. You even shot him down, and he still tried! There is something to be said for that." So maybe Onion Boy is possibly a bit like Shrek? A layered oniony ogre that just might have a big heart underneath all the goo? This idea grated at me for a few days. I decide that I can give a little more to this onion mess and see if I can find the good that might be buried underneath. I decide to write him an email describing the type of friends that I am willing to be. I outlined a few crazy scenarios in which we could hang out or ways in which we could be friendly. That's all it took! Now we are best friends in his eyes. Texting all day and a phone call every night. I don't even talk to my family and those I love this often. He called me one night around 12am. I wasn't sure if I should answer, but against my better judgement I did. He wanted to talk about the date he just went on. I let him ramble on for about an hour. At the end of the conversation he tells me that I am like his personal therapist and that he is the only one benefiting from our relationship. Really? Duh. Then, out of nowhere, he asks me to come sleepover. What? He explains that I'll sleep in his bed and he'll take the couch because he is a gentleman. WHAT!? Are you crazy? A: I'm not 12 and B: What!? He continues to tell me that he doesn't offer this to everyone so I should feel special. Boy, do I! At this point I'm looking for a shot gun. If I can just off myself this will be over... He calls a few days later and presents the same offer from a different angle. I don't know how to make him understand that there is NO circumstance in which I will get in his bed, ever. Who is this guy? Why did I agree to be his friend? How do I end this personal relationship and keep him as a client? Do I even want that? What the junk?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
4.5K (the guy formerly known as 6K)
I received an email with the subject heading "Your dateable" (the quotation is there because these are not my typos). Laughing, because this statement seems obvious to me seeing that he found me on a dating site, I open the email to find a list of reasons he will date me. I over look his strange approach because I think it's funny to be analyzed to this extent when he has never met me. I wrote back that it was such a relief that he could tell that I was datable from my profile alone! He explained that he wasn't usually this forward but he wanted my number because his membership expired in a few days and he really wanted to get to know the 5 dimensional me. I'm not sure I have 5 dimensions... but what the heck, right!? I give him my number with instructions not to call me that following day. I had a full day at work and then had to catch a plane to San Diego. No time for chit chat but anytime after that would be just fine. I'm standing in line for security check in the airport when my phone rings. Apparently he wanted to shoot the breeze then even though I said another time would be better. This is what he told me over the coarse of three phone conversations. He has been divorced 4 years. He has two daughters (16 & 13). He had a son die at 4 months old and he has never come to terms with this. He worked as a Pizza Hut delivery driver for 14 years at $5 an hour + tips. He thought this was a good living. He went back to school at 35 because he was tired of smelling like pizza. He got a degree in Recreational Science (which I think translates loosely to a degree in recess). He's been unemployed for over two years. He has no drive to get a job. He lives with mom and dad. He knows his wife had borderline personality disorder. If this is true he should be getting paid to be a doctor (because that is a tough thing to diagnose) and not be unemployed. Right before his wife left him he was thrown in jail for three days for assault and battery charges against his wife, mother-in-law, and two brother-in-laws. His side of the story didn't really add up, but I guess he was released and it's not on his record. Yeah. When his wife left he grabbed a sleeping bag and headed to Yellowstone for a 70 mile solo experience. At this point he was not an experienced adventurer. Plus he is an insulin dependant diabetic that suffers from sever depression. Not a smart move to do that alone cowboy! He admitted to earning 6 thousand dollars in 2009. This is when I started calling him 6K. That means about $125 a week. He's on food stamps and other government and church assistance. He's hoping he made 9K in 2010. He is so far behind on his child support he may never catch up. He told me that he is not at all motivated by money. Really!? He is the oldest of seven. Someone sold him a car for $1 because they felt so bad for him. His words, not mine. He currently runs a pull rope on a ski hill for another state. The state pays him nothing for this but he gets to keep 100% of the ticket sales for his trouble. It costs $5 for an all day pass to use his tow rope. He made $10 his first weekend. He thinks this is a good job. He was offered a job as a manager at Pizza Hut and turned down the position because he could make more as a driver. So instead of getting a promotion he sits unemployed and uninsured with no benefits. He also told me that he'll need sex on a regular basis. He thinks we are meant to be together. He clarified in a later conversation that he actually didn't make 6K in 2009, he made 4.5K. I know what you're thinking. What am I waiting for, right? I shouldn't let this Muppet looking 40 year old that is unmotivated, unemployed, behind on his child support, adventurer out of my sight! That's why I called my dad and told him that he should plan on me getting married real soon. I, like 4.5K, can hear those wedding bells chime! Wait... or is it domestic abuse sirens I hear? It doesn't matter! This is true love...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Chef III
I'm on my way to meet him at a theater that is equidistant from both our homes. I receive a text that informs me that he has the tickets and is waiting. He is over 30 min early! When asked why he was so early he informs me that he is a little OCD about being on time. Uhh... be on time then, not so early! As I pull into the theater's lot I shoot him a message that says "I don't think I'm going to be able to make it." Admittedly not the greatest joke, but I know he has been sitting there for awhile waiting and this might be a little annoying (you know, like telling someone they got their fingers chopped off. That was annoying.)... I get a response immediately "Ok. Next week? Monday? Wednesday?" Satisfied I continue to the front of the theater. He sees me through the glass and stands up grinning from ear to ear. You know, one of those smiles that comes all the way from the very bottom of your toes and stretches up? The ones that come from the very core of who you are? Maybe even deeper. They're so sincere, they are almost painfully revealing? It was one of those! He was genuinely glad to see me and probably just as glad to not be stuck with an extra ticket and an empty seat. He opened his arms to me and told me to "get over here." I asked him if I got him, even a little? He said yeah :) The details of the movie I am going to keep to myself but I will tell you I was not disappointed. As we left the theater he said that his mom asked him if he was dating me for my jeep. I looked at him in disbelief because this hadn't even crossed my mind. Do you date a person for their car? Really? Because if you do, he'd be out... He smiled and said that he had assured his mom that he definitely wasn't dating me just for my jeep. He again mentioned that we hadn't been to sushi yet and it was high time. He asked how late I'd be up and if he could call or text. This was the last time I have seen him. I'm not sure what to say here. I thought the date was good. I thought I may have really found a friendship that could possibly blossom into something fun. One of my cutest friends, after confiding in him with my confusion about Chef and what could have gone wrong, asked me if I'd heard about the "Rubber Band Theory?" He explained it and although it should have made me feel better I just didn't buy it. "How about Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars?" he offered. No, no I thought. I believe the train of thought "He's just not that into you!" Not to be harsh but doesn't that make more sense? If he was into me, he'd be around! He'd call, he'd text and we would have actually eaten sushi by now (it has been 6 weeks 3 days 4 hours (but who's counting?))! So he must not be that into me... Maybe I'm too nice and that isn't interesting. Maybe he got hit by a car on his way to meet me and is in a wheel chair and thinks I could never love him in his present state. Lame. I had a client one time that swore off boys. They are not worth it she'd say. One day her landlord gave her a book that changed her life titled "Why Men Love Bitches." She used the techniques outlined in the book and married the next guy she dated! That book is my next purchase... Seriously. I don't know if he'll resurface ever or not but I can tell you this, he was a good experience. He made me feel comfortable. I liked being with him. He has given me hope that there are a few good ones left and if I keep looking I may just be lucky enough to snag one! No regrets, just good times... and that smile, the sincere one. I'm keeping that.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Chef II
So date number two I got to plan. I chose a little cozy place downtown called Eva's for dinner. We agree to meet there at 6pm. I am ready way early so I go to the Gateway mall and return a necklace that I don't really need. I still have time so I decide to leave my car there and walk to Eva's. I'm walking down State and he's walking up 3rd South. I spot him and yell, "MARCO!?" Without a moments hesitation he screams, "POLO!" I can't help but smile! I'm going to have fun. We meet at the corner and he says something stupid so I say, "you are not the Marco I'm looking for..." He turns and walks away yelling, "MARCO?" Sheesh! Get back here! We walk to the restaurant and he tells me he has never been here before. I'm really excited because they have such great, fresh, and different food. I'm really hoping the chef in him will be impressed! He kind of was a pain in the butt for the waitress. "Where do your scallops come from? Fresh or frozen? Where do you get your vegetables? How is that cooked? And for how long?" I finally had to apologize to her that he was such a food snob! He let me order the appetizer (which was good because I turned out to be better at ordering than he did). Dinner was really nice. Conversation flowed naturally. He got a haircut since our last date and he was much easier on the eyes. :) Sometimes paying & dating gets a little weird. I'm never sure if I'm supposed to pay. I planned this date so I was prepared to get it, but there was the possibility of us going dutch... The waitress brought the bill and he had it scooped up and paid for before I could even process what had happened! Holy crap! I sheepishly said thank you. His speed and determination totally caught me off guard. He was pleased with himself! I kind of left the rest of the night open not knowing how dinner would go. As we left the restaurant he asked what the plan was. I offered a few options and he chose a walk to Gateway. He said he wanted to buy cologne. He always walked closest to the street and kind of looked both ways for me as we walked. It was really sweet! We walked through the mall popping in and out of stores and laughing. I was really enjoying the night and it seemed that he was too! We got to Dick's Sporting Goods and he really wanted to go in. He opened the door for me and I walked right into the door frame! This is just so me. What the junk! Stunned I look up and standing right there is an employee! Could this get any worse? I try to recover, "Your door frame totally hit me!" Chef comes up behind me, puts his hands on my shoulders and says right to the employee, "I'm so sorry. She is totally plastered. SO DRUNK! I have had her out in the cold air for a brisk walk trying to sober her up but nothing is working." My jaw hits the floor! What is he saying!? I can only grab him and push him away from the guy. He yells over his shoulder, "I promise I will keep an eye on her and not let her ruin anything in your store!" I could die. But I love it too. As we're walking back to my car he asks what my favorite kind of chocolate is. Chocolate caramel. He buys four of them and later leaves them in my car... Awe! He opened every door, watched out for me at every turn, and even paid for my parking. Whatever it was that he was lacking our first date he has totally made up for in this one! I am intrigued. I like the way he makes me feel. I'm content and secretly hoping for the kiss he apologized for not giving on our first date! *smile* We headed back to my house to make him some cupcakes for his birthday. I should have thought this through. My cupcakes (from a mix) are not going to impress mister make-it-from-scratch! But I don't care. He was pretty cute with me. I may have blushed a few times and I didn't even know I was capable of blushing. We were sitting on my love sac just chatting and he spotted some mistletoe I had hung. WHAT WAS I THINKING!? When the Christmas decorations came out this year I thought it would be fun to hang mistletoe? Did I think I would have a cute boy in my house looking at it and talking about it? NO! A normal person may have taken this opportunity to be cute and flirty but I like to make things a bit awkward... plus I don't really know how to be cute. At the end of the night he plants himself RIGHT UNDER that d*** mistletoe and tells me to come and give him a hug. So I do. Just a hug. JUST A HUG!? Kill me. Dumb people should be shot. Where was my shooter? I wait a day and then send him a text that says, "I fear that I missed my chance under my mistletoe! When we first met you promised to help me if I acted handicapped! Where were you man!?" This is HUGE for me. I don't flirt. I don't want to talk about kissing or talk about my failure to do so! I want a quick response to validate me that I am not crazy. Tell me it's okay that I'm lame! Let me know that next time you'll take the lead and just lay one on me! Don't wait for me to make a move, it won't happen! I somehow make it through a whole day of work but apparently not too well. He never text me back. I guess I was complaining because Rhonda sat me down and made me text him again to see if he even got my message. I sent a simple "did I scare you away?" He instantly replied "No. Why?" I am so relieved! He doesn't hate me and it looks like he didn't even get my message about the kiss! I win! I tell him that I sent a message that he didn't respond to so I got a little worried. He says nothing. The next morning he sends "I lead you right to the misltetoe. I couldn't have been more clear. I'm sorry, I forgot you were a little special needs. Next time I will assist you." What? WHAT? He got my message and let me sit on it for a day? I hate him! I let him know this too! He called me right away and laughing he says he wants to make it up to me. Movie? Heck yes...
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