Chef II

So date number two I got to plan. I chose a little cozy place downtown called Eva's for dinner. We agree to meet there at 6pm. I am ready way early so I go to the Gateway mall and return a necklace that I don't really need. I still have time so I decide to leave my car there and walk to Eva's. I'm walking down State and he's walking up 3rd South. I spot him and yell, "MARCO!?" Without a moments hesitation he screams, "POLO!" I can't help but smile! I'm going to have fun. We meet at the corner and he says something stupid so I say, "you are not the Marco I'm looking for..." He turns and walks away yelling, "MARCO?" Sheesh! Get back here! We walk to the restaurant and he tells me he has never been here before. I'm really excited because they have such great, fresh, and different food. I'm really hoping the chef in him will be impressed! He kind of was a pain in the butt for the waitress. "Where do your scallops come from? Fresh or frozen? Where do you get your vegetables? How is that cooked? And for how long?" I finally had to apologize to her that he was such a food snob! He let me order the appetizer (which was good because I turned out to be better at ordering than he did). Dinner was really nice. Conversation flowed naturally. He got a haircut since our last date and he was much easier on the eyes. :) Sometimes paying & dating gets a little weird. I'm never sure if I'm supposed to pay. I planned this date so I was prepared to get it, but there was the possibility of us going dutch... The waitress brought the bill and he had it scooped up and paid for before I could even process what had happened! Holy crap! I sheepishly said thank you. His speed and determination totally caught me off guard. He was pleased with himself! I kind of left the rest of the night open not knowing how dinner would go. As we left the restaurant he asked what the plan was. I offered a few options and he chose a walk to Gateway. He said he wanted to buy cologne. He always walked closest to the street and kind of looked both ways for me as we walked. It was really sweet! We walked through the mall popping in and out of stores and laughing. I was really enjoying the night and it seemed that he was too! We got to Dick's Sporting Goods and he really wanted to go in. He opened the door for me and I walked right into the door frame! This is just so me. What the junk! Stunned I look up and standing right there is an employee! Could this get any worse? I try to recover, "Your door frame totally hit me!" Chef comes up behind me, puts his hands on my shoulders and says right to the employee, "I'm so sorry. She is totally plastered. SO DRUNK! I have had her out in the cold air for a brisk walk trying to sober her up but nothing is working." My jaw hits the floor! What is he saying!? I can only grab him and push him away from the guy. He yells over his shoulder, "I promise I will keep an eye on her and not let her ruin anything in your store!" I could die. But I love it too. As we're walking back to my car he asks what my favorite kind of chocolate is. Chocolate caramel. He buys four of them and later leaves them in my car... Awe! He opened every door, watched out for me at every turn, and even paid for my parking. Whatever it was that he was lacking our first date he has totally made up for in this one! I am intrigued. I like the way he makes me feel. I'm content and secretly hoping for the kiss he apologized for not giving on our first date! *smile* We headed back to my house to make him some cupcakes for his birthday. I should have thought this through. My cupcakes (from a mix) are not going to impress mister make-it-from-scratch! But I don't care. He was pretty cute with me. I may have blushed a few times and I didn't even know I was capable of blushing. We were sitting on my love sac just chatting and he spotted some mistletoe I had hung. WHAT WAS I THINKING!? When the Christmas decorations came out this year I thought it would be fun to hang mistletoe? Did I think I would have a cute boy in my house looking at it and talking about it? NO! A normal person may have taken this opportunity to be cute and flirty but I like to make things a bit awkward... plus I don't really know how to be cute. At the end of the night he plants himself RIGHT UNDER that d*** mistletoe and tells me to come and give him a hug. So I do. Just a hug. JUST A HUG!? Kill me. Dumb people should be shot. Where was my shooter? I wait a day and then send him a text that says, "I fear that I missed my chance under my mistletoe! When we first met you promised to help me if I acted handicapped! Where were you man!?" This is HUGE for me. I don't flirt. I don't want to talk about kissing or talk about my failure to do so! I want a quick response to validate me that I am not crazy. Tell me it's okay that I'm lame! Let me know that next time you'll take the lead and just lay one on me! Don't wait for me to make a move, it won't happen! I somehow make it through a whole day of work but apparently not too well. He never text me back. I guess I was complaining because Rhonda sat me down and made me text him again to see if he even got my message. I sent a simple "did I scare you away?" He instantly replied "No. Why?" I am so relieved! He doesn't hate me and it looks like he didn't even get my message about the kiss! I win! I tell him that I sent a message that he didn't respond to so I got a little worried. He says nothing. The next morning he sends "I lead you right to the misltetoe. I couldn't have been more clear. I'm sorry, I forgot you were a little special needs. Next time I will assist you." What? WHAT? He got my message and let me sit on it for a day? I hate him! I let him know this too! He called me right away and laughing he says he wants to make it up to me. Movie? Heck yes...

Nose Hair II

We're going to make this simple and universal. Do's and Do Not's. Don't show up one hour and forty-five minutes early. Don't text me from the street and tell me you are in front of my house. Don't get out of the car to greet me and fail to open my door on your car. Don't have the heat in your truck set at 90 degrees. Don't show up wearing jogging pants, your favorite team hoodie and old running shoes when I know you have never exercised one day in your life. Don't come without a plan (when I told you I would only go with you again if (and only if) you had a plan!) and expect me to come up with something. Don't tell me how fat you once were over and over and over. Don't order a whole rack of ribs and then tell me how you can't finish it because your tummy is so small. Do order a half rack lame wad. Don't tell me you brought a movie for us to watch at my house after dinner. Don't take my food home for you to eat later. Don't pick your nose at the dinner table. Don't repeat what I say when you think it's funny. Do think of your own funny so I can be entertained also. Don't pick your nose again. Don't sit and look at the bill for a long time waiting for me to offer to help (you are after all taking both of our dinners home). Do have something to talk about that is at least a bit interesting. Don't think I'm being thoughtful for your driving safety when I tell you to just go home after only one hour of our date. Do take a hint. Don't call again.

Chef

So I got online on Halloween and I have made it a point to start conversations with as many "potentials" as possible. Right away I found a 6'6" big boy that seemed interesting. I sent him a smile just to say hi. It took him two weeks to respond. I hadn't really thought much more about him because he was so slow! He sent me a message that said "let's get sushi" and that's it! So I wrote back my phone number and that's it! The next day he started text messaging me. I learned that he is a chef that works with handicapped kids teaching them to be self sufficient in the kitchen. Pretty sweet, right? I said that I'd have to come to his classroom one day and have a lesson. He wrote back that I could have a private lesson. I asked if I would have to act special needs. He said only if I wanted him to hold my hand and whisper words of encouragement in my ear! I couldn't stop smiling. How cute was that response!? We've got a funny boy on our hands here! He decided that for our first date he wanted to cook me dinner. I normally don't let the first meeting be at my house or theirs, but I broke that rule this time. He called me a few hours before he was coming and said that he had good news and bad news. Which did I want first? Bad. He told me that he lost three of his fingers at work that day. I wanted to call BS but I have never met this kid so I couldn't. He explained that he was teaching how to trim a 75lb piece of meat and the large knife slipped and took three of his fingers right off. Do we teach handicapped kids to trim 75lb slabs of meat? When would this be necessary? Still unsure I ask if he was at the hospital. He said he was done there. They just wrapped his hand up so it could heal. Wait... they couldn't reattach them? He said there was a bacterial strain in meat right now that made it impossible for them to connect the fingers again. I still want to yell out "liar" but I feel helpless and strange. I wasn't sure how to feel empathy for this man that I had never met. Plus, can't they reattach an arm that has spent a week in a crocodiles belly? What the junk? I lamely said that I was so sorry... He starts laughing so hard and said "can you say gullible!?" Jerk! Like you can question someone you don't even know! He then let me in on the good news... that he was still coming and cooking me dinner. That little fart! He got my address so he could put it into his GPS. I told him it would be easier to just tell him how to get here but, like all technology freaks, he wanted to rely on a lame computer that has never been to my house instead of me who knows exactly how to get to where I live! I got a call from him at 6pm. He was lost. :) He was over in NSL somewhere. I lead him to my house verbally this time. It was actually kind of nice because we had a chance to talk and he was a bit humble because his way didn't work after all. He cooked for me and Granny. Shrimp in a wine buttery garlic reduction over linguini with broccoli and a side salad. It was pretty good. After dinner we went for a ride in my jeep. At one point we were texting and he asked me what I drove. When I told him a jeep he said that my hotness just went up 400 points! I replied that my jeep didn't make me hot... the lift and custom paint job did! Teehee. After our ride we ate some bread pudding I made. He genuinely liked it which made me feel like a million bucks considering his profession. At the end of the night he gave me a big hug and said that we needed to go for sushi next time. I had a good time but I was worried that Chef was more interested in me than I was in him. He sent me a text when he got home apologizing that he didn't kiss me. He doesn't kiss on the first date. I, frankly, was relieved because I hadn't even thought of kissing him at all! Little did I know that date number two would make me significantly more interested in him!

Tall Daddy

I just got home from my date with Tall Daddy. We saw "A Christmas Carol" at Hale Center Theater. He was dreamy! The only part that really stunk was when he saw me he blurted out "Holy crap! You're taller than you look in your picture!" Just what every tall girl wants to hear... He tried to recover by putting himself down a bit, but... :) Anyway, the play was great. He was a complete and total gentleman. He left at intermission for the bathroom/drink and I panicked a little that he might not come back. It took him quite a while and I had resolved that if he didn't come back that would be okay. I would have more leg room for my tall self. When he came back he said, "You're still here! I thought you might run." I was slightly relieved by his having the same insecure thought that I had just had! I was able to relax a bit more through the second act. He walked me to my car (and man was I glad I was driving my jeep! Boys are always impressed with it!) opened my door and said goodnight. To sum up the evening: 1-He was fantastically handsome and nice. 2-I couldn't really relax because I was aware of how totally handsome and great he was. 3-I probably won't hear from him again but 4-It was a really good experience that I will never regret and I hope to learn from it for other future dates :)

Nose Hair

We're going to talk about Nose Hair for a moment. I'm a little upset with this situation right now so I thought I'd share. I'm supposed to be on a second date with him as we speak... I'm also chatting with another character (Tall Daddy) and he asked me out for tonight too. This was a HUGE deal yesterday because I really, REALLY want to go with Tall Daddy and not so much with Nosey... Nosey asked me first so I thought I should keep my word with him so I told my Tall (beautiful, funny) Daddy that I couldn't go. D*** conscience! And now Nosey just text me to cancel. Blast! So let's talk about my first date with the Nose Hair.


I was sitting in the salon telling my friend Kim about Chef (we'll address him later :)). One of Stacey's clients breaks in to the conversation and says "you're available?" Please. I've never been NOT available! Bring it on! She tells me about her boyfriend's son. Tall, handsome and she'd love to set us up! She lets me know that he had bypass surgery about a year ago and he looks and feels great and has this new found zest for life! Hey, sounds great to me! I like me a big boy and I like that he's taking control of his future and feeling good about it. I tell her to give him my number and I'll look forward to his call. I get a phone call about a week later from an unknown number. Assuming it's a client I don't answer because I don't have my book with me. I listen to the message and It's Nose Hair (at this point I'm not calling him Nose Hair... it's more like a possible prince charming). His message says, "Hey this is ****** I got your number from my dad's girlfriend. I wanted to ask you out. Call me back. Bye." Strange message, but ok. I call him back ready to talk for a minute and see if we have anything in common. He answers "Hello?" "Hey ******! It's Elaine. How are you!?" "Good. I wanted to ask you out." WOW! Don't beat around the bush! "Okay..." We plan for the next Wednesday and hang up. I'm already regretting this. He texts me later that night and explains that he was in the middle of something and was sorry for being so short. This makes me feel better. The day of he tells me to meet him at the 13th south train station because there is a Jazz game and taking Trax will be easier. Cool. I pull up to his truck and park. I get out and see him sitting there. Does Stacey's client hate me? This is not what she described. Oh well! I'm here! Let's make the most of it! He gets out and I just bite the bullet and go give him a hug and introduce myself. This is the point where he scores his name Nose Hair. He is in fact 6'6". He is not dark. Muddy blonde at best. I can tell that he buzzed his own head about a month ago. He has two levels of facial hair. An overgrown goatee and then everything else. And then there it is... staring me right in the face... a full inch long nose hair reaching out to explore the world! Crap! This is going to be an awesome night and we haven't even left the parking lot! We make our way over to the kiosk to buy our tickets for the train. We get there and he stands and stares at the touch screen like it is foreign. I'm tempted to jump in and take care of business but I hold back and let him try. He tells me that he has never done this before. I try to ease his pain by saying, "I haven't really done this before either but I'm sure if we put our brains together we can do it!" We get it done (total for two tickets is $4) and he pulls out a $20 from his wallet. He looks at it and says "I only have a $20." I think to myself so use it but say nothing. He turns to me and repeats, "I only have a $20." Like for your whole life? Like that's all you've ever owned? Perplexed I ask if he'd like me to purchase the tickets. He puts his bill away and says sure. I could spit! To make this painful, long story shorter let me just say that it was a long night of listening to him talk about video games and how fat he use to be. PLUS he almost didn't buy my hot chocolate from Starbucks! The cashier had to say "Aren't you two together?" Then, and only then, did he say, "uh... yeah I can get hers." D*** straight you'll get mine! I bought your train ticket Nose Hair! He only touched me one time the whole night and you'd have thought I was, in fact, electricity it's self! He pulled away like I had really shocked him! Finally the night was over. I thanked him and said goodbye. "Wait! I had a really great time tonight! I'd love to see you again." S***! S***! S***! So he texts me all the time and pushed this date on me (I have a two date rule) and then he canceled! He doesn't get his second date anymore...
PS I just text messaged Tall Daddy and we're going out tonight! All is not lost! I need to get ready!

Alby II

So I got this text from Alby yesterday... "I found a cat out in the snow today. So cold and wet. I rescued him. He is now warm and dry in my house but I can't keep him forever. Any ideas??" Okay. In case you missed it I'll translate his thought. "I'm a knight in shining armor! I can rescue anything, including you! I'm a manly man. I'm who you want." BARF! He is always telling me how he is a man. So responsible, reliable, honorable, thoughtful, and sensitive. He literally says this to me! "I'm a real man." And in my head I hear, in a high pitched wooden voice "I'm a real boy!" Anyway, there was only one way to respond to this lame text. "Cook it for dinner." He didn't find this answer as funny as I did and the conversation soon came to an end. So maybe he is sensitive... AND a real boy!

Dating

This October during family pictures Diane asked the photographer to take some solo pictures of me. What the junk!? Do we really need an 8x10 of me anywhere? Cracker please! Diane told me that we were taking these pictures so I would have some recent and professional pics for my online dating profile... So just like that, I'm back online!

Choosing a site is never easy. I have tried LDS Planet, eHarmony, match, LDS singles, and played on a few others and had no success... So this round I decided to let someone else make this decision for me. Who better than my coworker Rosann? I spend more time with her than just about anyone! Plus she told me that she could choose a site for me that would bring me more dates and experience than any other. So of coarse I let her!

Rosi chose LDS mingle. My little Rose chose an LDS site!? I LOVE IT! I would have never guessed... October 31st it became official. I am actively looking for fun, dating, experience, friends and maybe even Mr. Right! So I've had a few fun experiences and met some interesting people so far so I thought I'd share...

(to protect the identity of these FINE, FINE gentlemen... they're names have been changed)

ALBY

We'll start with my "albino midget" who I will affectionately call Alby. One night I'm sitting online shopping for a potential mate when an IM window pops up. The picture next to Alby's name should have been enough of a warning, but I am a glutton for punishment. He starts out with this line... "so u like star trek"... What the junk!? This conversation can only go down hill if it starts in a galaxy far far away! So I try to eliminate the crazy right off the bat and I ask him if he speaks Klingon fluently and if he's been to convention. As he is contemplating if his Klingon would be a help or hindrance in our fake relationship, I take some time to study his profile a bit. At this point the kid has said nothing appealing nor is his picture appealing but I need to find some common ground if I'm going to talk with him. Alby is 24 (gross), 5'8" (disgusting), and it looks like he has creature teeth. You know the teeth. Small, square, and evenly spaced. It looks like he could inflict a wound with one little bite. Sick. During my investigation of Alby he continues chatting with me. Surprisingly he is funny and smart. I find myself enjoying the conversation despite my better judgement. We chat for almost an hour and the time just flew by. So we fall into a little routine of chatting every night as I shop for a date. I've told Alby that he is too short and too young for me but I do like talking to him. He seemed to be okay with this for a while. One night he was telling me how pretty I was (this does NOT win any points with me. If we haven't met don't say things you know nothing about. It makes you look stupid.) and I knew I had to get off line quick or he was going to ask for my number. I knew I shouldn't have talked with him! He was getting the wrong idea. I told him I had to go. Bye. He types "wait! can I get your number?" S***! Now what? I sit for a few moments thinking of how to let him down easy. "Alby I like you but I don't want to date you." He writes back "I didn't ask you on a date." S*** again! Feeling SO lame for assuming he was thinking more, I give him my number and get off line. And so began the relationship with my midget albino... Text messages every day and chatting whenever I'm online. I can't get away from this super nice-funny-creature toothed-small man. But as long as we're just talking I'm safe, right? Wrong. So wrong! Over the coarse of a few weeks he convinces me that we should watch a movie together. We settle on a Monday night. I am reluctant but I feel like I owe him something, somehow. Come to find out he lives by my brother Grant. I tell Alby I have to cut the night short because of an appointment at 6:30. I text Grant the address and tell him that if I'm not at his house by 6:30 to send the cops to Alby's address to come collect my corpse. I arrive at the address at 4 pm as planned. I pull up and Alby is sitting out on his porch waiting for me. He is worse than I had imagined. He is a giant midget greasy albino. This is going to be a long few hours... He walks out to greet me shoeless. I'm pretty sure midgets are supposed to wear shoes. He lives on the third floor. As we walk up the wet stairs (his socks are getting soaked and nasty) he tells me how pretty I look and smell. All I can think about are his teeth, wet socks, greasy hair, his lack of height, and lack of pigment. We get to his apartment and nobody is home. What am I doing here? Is it okay to leave before we even begin? He shows me to his bedroom. A twin bed is pushed up against the back wall. Pushed up against that is a couch and then his TV. "This is where we'll watch the movie. I tried to make it look homey." Homey!? A nice vacuum job could have helped! Or maybe it being a "home" and not a bedroom! The bed wasn't even made. Was that the "homey-ness" he spoke of? Whatever, let's watch the move so I can get to Grants house asap! I sit down and plant my foot in front of the door so it will remain open. Alby brings in water and sour cream and cheddar chips. I think this particular chip has been ruined for me now. Alby took the time to lick the flavoring off of each chip before consumption. I'm pretty sure this is illegal after age 4. Plus chips don't crunch after they have been licked to death. I wanted to barf. To make matters worse his feet didn't touch the floor while sitting on the couch! Who's feet don't touch!? This only accentuates my legs. I now look like an amazon woman. The couch, that makes it so his feet don't touch the floor, hits me mid thigh. I want to go home. Or get hit by a truck. Or contract leprosy. He explains the movie to me about every 15 minutes or so. Apparently I smell and look good, but I am wearing a "stupid sign" so the simple plot must be explained. Twenty minutes before the movie ends he asks me how I liked it. "Is it over?" "Not yet." "Then I can't answer that, can I?" What the... As soon as the credits began to roll I stood up and thanked him as I headed for the door. "Are you sure you've got to go? You'll miss out on Olive Garden..." Wait a minute. I just witnessed him molest a whole bag of chips to the point they couldn't even be identified! There's NO WAY I'm going to Olive Garden with him! What would he do to regular food!? Plus would we have to get a booster seat for him? "Dang it! I really can't get out of this appointment..." BYE! He insists on walking me to my car (I had to park 2 blocks away). As we're walking he tells me that the next time I can bring my clippers and cut his hair. I do not want to touch his nasty mop. I hear myself say "I'm not a traveling hair service." It came out of my mouth before I could sugar coat my disgust! Nothing has discouraged this boy! I get multiple text messages every day and I can't even log on mingle without him chatting me up! Ugh. He has asked me out multiple times since. I have reminded him that I don't want to date him. This is not enough. I made a rule going into this that everyone deserved two dates. I don't want to do the second for this one! My girlfriends are telling me I have to go! It's my rule. Dear Giant Greasy Midget Albino. I liked it better when we just chatted and you were funny. I don't like what I met. You made me feel weird and gross. Will I go out with you again? I guess we'll see...