Onion Boy

I have fought with myself over this entry. A serious battle. It appears the evil in me has won. I apologize Onion, for taking our relationship to a friendship level and therefor making the lines hard for you to see. But your story must now be told.

I first met Onion boy about five years ago. One of my girlfriends sent him in for a haircut. It became apparent very quickly that this was not just a haircut, but a first date. I could have killed my friend. Maybe there's still time. Needless to say, we did not really hit it off on a relationship level but he did continue to come to me for haircuts. This was an interesting relationship because I (at this point) could have told you almost every detail about Onion Boy yet I am 100% convinced he couldn't have picked me out of a line up with my four brothers plus Donny Osmond. In fact he may have picked Donny because he would at least look a bit familiar... Let me put my thoughts of Onion Boy in right here. Here are the facts, take from them what you may.

Fact #1- Always late.

#2- If he's not late, he doesn't come at all (I was playing Nintendo so I missed my appointment. Can you get me in right now instead? No.).

#3- I'm convinced he eats a whole, raw onion and a gallon of Diet Coke before every cut so that he can burp up onions in my face.

#4- He thinks it's okay to wear pajamas in the middle of the day.

#5- His hair is often greasy. There is an odor that goes with this too.

#6- He has never tipped or even said a sincere thank you.

#7- He loves being in theater productions.

#8- He owns a cat.

#9- Gross.

One haircut (after I had lost a bit of weight) he saw me for the first time in his life. He was literally mid sentence filling me in on his latest love interest when he stopped and blurted out, "You look different!" Wow. Really. Thanks. "No I'm serious. You look different, and different is good." Thanks Arby's. All of the sudden what I had to say and who I was was important. He asked me to go to Lagoon, sky dive, dinner, and just hang out all in this one haircut. I guess this could have been flattering if #1-#9 didn't exist AND if he could have even seen me as a human being before this point. I'm not saying he had to be attracted to me before I lost some weight, but he really didn't even know who I was nor did he care... but now!? So it's been two years of him inviting me to this or that and me continually turning him down. This past October he came in (on time for the first time ever) and announces he doesn't really need a haircut. He just needs some "Elaine time." Well, sit on down Onion Boy! You scheduled this and you're paying for it either way. He turns to Rosie and says, "Don't you ever just need some Elaine time?" Disgusted she replies no. He continues, "You're telling me you've NEVER woke up in the middle of the night, all hot and sweaty, dreaming of Elaine!?" Rosann's jaw hit the floor (and if you know her, you know that this is almost impossible!)! "No that has never happened to me." I didn't even know where to look. What on earth did he just say!? Yep, you don't need a haircut, get out of here!

That was October. I didn't see or hear from him again till this February. He gets a cut every four weeks, so I know he's been going somewhere else. I assume he is embarrassed by his comments so he has stayed away. This was fine with me. Mid February he starts texting me just casually. Hey what's up? Anything new? How's life? Finally he gets around to asking me for a cut, but he'd like to go to lunch first. Fine, as long as he's paying. We meet for a quick lunch the day before his appointment. He takes this opportunity to tell me why he hasn't been coming to me for cuts for the last four months. I assume I know the reason, so imagine my surprise when he tells me it's because I have an "attitude problem!" Me!? Haha! Never! Apparently he asked me, in October, to take his hair shorter and I firmly said "NO!" I guess I left no room for discussion so he left and vowed to never return. He didn't feel he needed to deal with someone with that much attitude. I am DYING! I would never say no to a request like that! As far as I'm concerned whoever is in my chair is my boss. I may suggest something else, but I would never just sternly say no and send them on their way! I may joke with a friend like that, but he's not even a friend! Wow! The only thing I can figure is I heard him wrong or I wasn't even talking to him. If I heard him at all I must have thought he said "DID" you take my hair shorter? This is the only thing I can think of that I would respond with a "no" to. I spend the rest of the lunch apologizing for the misunderstanding and assuring him that I would not be that rude intentionally. He doesn't really believe me. His truth is so powerful to him he can't even hear me. At the end he tells me that he has decided to deal with my "attitude" because he can't find anyone that cuts like me. He has even tried to "train" a few girls but they couldn't be taught! Haha! So I guess we're okay by the time lunch is over because he is planning on coming to his haircut the next day. Sheesh!
So he comes to his 9:30pm appointment ten minutes late, as usual. He says, "We should date." Funny, yesterday he couldn't stand my attitude but today he wants to date it? I laugh! Laughter is not an uncommon response from me! :) I flat out say no. He doesn't stop. He asked me to dinner and on another date all before I forced him out of the salon at 10:20pm... The next day I was telling my Johnny about the experience with Onion Boy. After my rant Johnny simply said, "You got to give him credit Elaine. He told you exactly what he wanted. No games. No wondering what his intentions were. You even shot him down, and he still tried! There is something to be said for that." So maybe Onion Boy is possibly a bit like Shrek? A layered oniony ogre that just might have a big heart underneath all the goo? This idea grated at me for a few days. I decide that I can give a little more to this onion mess and see if I can find the good that might be buried underneath. I decide to write him an email describing the type of friends that I am willing to be. I outlined a few crazy scenarios in which we could hang out or ways in which we could be friendly. That's all it took! Now we are best friends in his eyes. Texting all day and a phone call every night. I don't even talk to my family and those I love this often. He called me one night around 12am. I wasn't sure if I should answer, but against my better judgement I did. He wanted to talk about the date he just went on. I let him ramble on for about an hour. At the end of the conversation he tells me that I am like his personal therapist and that he is the only one benefiting from our relationship. Really? Duh. Then, out of nowhere, he asks me to come sleepover. What? He explains that I'll sleep in his bed and he'll take the couch because he is a gentleman. WHAT!? Are you crazy? A: I'm not 12 and B: What!? He continues to tell me that he doesn't offer this to everyone so I should feel special. Boy, do I! At this point I'm looking for a shot gun. If I can just off myself this will be over... He calls a few days later and presents the same offer from a different angle. I don't know how to make him understand that there is NO circumstance in which I will get in his bed, ever. Who is this guy? Why did I agree to be his friend? How do I end this personal relationship and keep him as a client? Do I even want that? What the junk?